One of the parts of this 40 day challenge I am doing is self exploration. We have self excavating questions that really cause you to look deep inside and think about how you feel, act, react etc to life and life’s situations. Last night we discussed comfort zone, what does our comfort zone look like? How can we step out of our comfort zone? My comfort zone looks predictable and routine and has as little room for unknowns as possible. I like to hide in my comfort zone and not share much emotion or feeling anywhere. I fear judgement, if I don’t share I don’t get judged. The less risk the less risk of failure and so on.
In reflecting on this comfort zone I also realized I do a lot ,of self sabotaging that I don’t normally even realize. What is really stopping me from completing a fitness challenge, getting up early, being more present with my kids etc.? The truth is, I am stopping me. Life is crazy, that’s true, but if I am truly honest I could do all the things I want to do, but I stop myself every time. I am not 100% sure why that is but I think the reason I do this is if I quit then I can’t fail. Quitting is a choice, failure means just that I failed.
As I reflected back on our meeting and questions we had to journal about last night a conversation with my husband kept coming into my thoughts. Last night he was asking me about the meetings and what they are about. He asked me many different ways about the meetings and even at one point commented that he didn’t really understand as I was being so vague. In reflecting on this I realized I am not answering the questions. I don’t answer questions that may lead to something emotional or personal or leave room for judgement. I sometimes struggle to feel seen and heard in this busy life of being a working mom of three. Now I wonder, am I always showing myself? If I take that conversation from last nigh,t I was not showing myself. My husband was genuinely asking and giving me his full undivided attention, yet my answers weren’t really answering the questions. I have always struggled to share any feelings of sadness, disappointment, anger or anything really deep that may reveal a weakness.
My new goal for myself is to share myself, to step out, let my feelings be heard, even if that is outside of my comfort zone. I can’t be seen and heard if I hide.